Major disappointment – 1 weighed 166 this morning! That’s a 1.4 GAIN! It’s depressing and when this happens I just want to throw in the towel and eat anything and everything I can think of! So far I haven’t done that today but boy do I want to. I can hear the voice in my head saying just blow it today and you can start fresh again tomorrow!
It’s hard for me to reveal that I’ve gained weight. I’m the one that has already lost over 125 pounds – and kept all of it off for over 7 years and then this happens. I loosen the reins and in just a couple of short months I find myself gaining and once again for like the millionth time I’m in diet and weight loss mode. I know I’m lucky that I’ve stopped the gaining and I only regained a fraction of the weight I lost, 23.8 pounds, but still I feel like a failure. And I feel so ashamed of myself. I went to a Pilates class with a friend yesterday whom I haven’t seen in about 10 months and she was all thin and buff and healthy and I felt fat and out of shape and like the old fat girl I’ve been most of my life! (And how small am I not to be happy for her that she is thin and buff and healthy!)
I know what that fat girl wants – she wants to be thin and buff and healthy — and eat whatever she wants whenever she wants it!
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’m not that fat girl anymore. I don’t doubt that she is still a part of me and will be forever. But she is not in control anymore. God only knows I’ve been through enough therapy and coaching to have dealt with all of these emotional issues that manifest themselves in me hurting myself with food. But like maintenance in weight loss, it, the addiction, the fat girl, the pain, never really goes away totally. It lingers to rear its ugly head just when I find myself choosing to look toward my goals and manifest the things I really want in my life. I do want to be healthy. I do want to be thin. I do want to be buff. And I do want lots of other things, peace and calm; to love myself and want to take care of myself; to learn and to grow.
So looking back on this past week I would tell you that I followed the plan about 75%. I ate too many whole grains, I had a couple of cocktails over the weekend, and I snacked on nuts. Definitely room for improvement.
If I want to reach MY goals I need to follow the plan – 100%! I also need to keep an eye on the fat girl and be kind to myself. I want to add in some meditation and affirmations and hopefully that will help as well. I’m ready to give it my all and hopefully have better news next week!